My Damn Mouth
by Don'tRunJustHide
Summary: This is AU. Sam/Brooke. To continue or not to continue is the question. Tell me your answer.
1. Chapter 1

**So I had this idea on my computer and in my head for sometime now and I was wondering if people would like to read more. This is an AU fic. I do not own Popular or its characters...**

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So now that I have a gun pointed at me, shouldn't I see my life quickly flash before my eyes or does it only apply once the bullet leaves the gun. Nope, it should be happening now….but I got nothing. I guess all the events in my life have been quite insignificant. One image does come to mind though and it is the girl I've had a crush on since day one. Brooke McQueen. Yes she's my step-sister and yes we bitch back and forth. In my mind however I see it as foreplay. What I would give just to be with her to hold her, kiss her….and other questionable things …that are insignificant now because right now my life is one pull of a trigger away from being six feet under.

Ok so how did I get into this situation? That can be easily answered: I can't keep my fuckin' mouth shut. Sometimes I wonder if my mouth and brain are connected or maybe I have some form of tourettes. Even my inner dialog doesn't shut off I just keep rambling.

"What did you say bitch?," the shooter yelled at me.

Ok so here is the part where I can back out from a confrontation.

"I said that you're a fucking idiot"

Yep, there is definitely a disconnect with my brain. Now he's approaching me with the gun this can only get worse. I swear if this was a cartoon he would have steam come from his ears right now. This is definitely not a cartoon, but my mind wanders off subject. I just can't help it.

"A fucking idiot huh? Well, I do love fucking but I'm not agreeing with the idiot part," his gun lowered to his side. He also gave out a chuckle.

Oh, wow I thought this would end differently. I let out a little chuckle with him. Big mistake.

He swung his arm up to the left side of my face. The gun in his hand came in contact with my left temple. My skull felt as if it had cracked open and I felt a sting where my skin separated. Legs below me gave way and I slumped to the floor. Darkness creep into my peripheral vision and then everything went black. My last though before I went unconscious.

My damn mouth.

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**Should I even bother to continue? Reviews would be awesome...**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N 1**: **So I just realize how long ago I posted the first chapter and all I can say is that it doesn't feel that long ago. I love to write but I'm horrible at finding the time, plus I end up rewriting and rewriting things. This story was going to go in a completely different direction but I ended up writing it this way instead.**

**A/N 2: Was too tired to proofread so there are most likely grammatical/spelling errors.**

**A/N 3: _italic=past events_**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters**

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2 Hour Earlier…..

It is the last night of summer before heading back to UCLA for my junior year of college. The parentals, mom and Mike wanted to have a family dinner before we got caught up in school work and jobs. So here sitting across from Brooke as she was talking about her job and summer classes that she was taking. I was pretending to not care even though I was paying attention to everything she was saying. The last time we spoke to each other it was not on the best of terms. A lot of hurtful things were said, some true others not. Over the years I became a better actress as my feelings for the blonde became more pronounced. I didn't realize the feelings I had until Junior prom when Harrison was to pick one of us.

_ Sitting next to Brooke across from Harrison was unsettling as we waited for an answer. Praying silently that he would not choose Brooke, it is like the mantra in my head. Around the fifth time I froze my silent chanting realizing that I didn't want him to pick me either. Wait I didn't want to be chosen and I didn't want Brooke to be chosen either. Here comes the migraine. _

_ "Sam?" my name broke through the haze._

_ "Huh?" I responded out loud._

_ "I'm so sorry, Sam," Brooke looked at me with sadness in her eyes._

_ What was she so sorry about? Oh. He picked Brooke as much as it hurt I was too confused by my discovery a minute before, that I'm pretty sure they thought I was in denial or shock. I was in shock but not for the reasons that they thought. I realized that they were looking at me like I was going to freak out at any second. _

_ I stood up from the table "Well, you two enjoy the rest of your night I'm going to leave now." I then walked away from the table._

_ I was so close to walking out the doors that I almost ran when I heard my name being called behind me. That could in reality be someone calling another Sam, so I kept moving forward. When a hand gently grabbed my arm stopping me did I finally turn around, it was Brooke._

_ "Sam I am sorry that this had to happen like this," Brooke had a look of genuine sadness. "We've come along so far in our friendship I don't want to lose that because of one guy."_

_ I could tell she was about to continue on with her rambling so I stopped her. "It's fine Brooke, really. I wasn't shock or upset that he picked you I froze because I realized that I didn't want Harrison." My confession left Brooke stunned. "It took me till now to realize that I did want Harrison as a boyfriend." What I didn't tell her is that I would have rather had her as a girlfriend, but this was not the right time and I was unsure of my feelings anyway. I could tell that she was waiting for an explanation so I gave her the most logical one that came to mind. "I thought I wanted Harrison but I was just afraid of losing his friendship because of him being with you. We have such a bipolar relationship that I didn't want my best friend choosing you side if we," I gestured between us. "have an explosive fight."_

_ I could tell she was buying the story and I was quite proud that I was able to come up with that explanation so quickly. _

That was the first time I put my acting to the test. She gave me a hug and smile before returning back to Harrison and I left that night withme needing to sort through my feelings. Brooke and Harrison dated all through the summer and senior year. I wasn't till the first semester of college, did things start to fade for them. They ended up breaking up right before Christmas realizing they were better as friends then boyfriend/girlfriend. Honestly that was my favorite Christmas present. I wasn't delusional thinking that I could go after her now, but it did make me feel as if I had the tiniest chance of my dreams coming true.

My dream was squashed a few months later when she brought Carter to the family dinner. I didn't like him once he walked it and no, it wasn't because I was jealous, it was because something about him seemed off to me. He looked like a Ken doll, with the perfect blonde hair the well defined facial features and the compete fit body package. Physically he was a catch, but it was the little things like how he always made sure that Brooke was in his sights. At one point she got up to go to the restroom and he was about to follow her but seeing that he was having a conversation with Mike he stayed seated. For the few minutes she was gone he kept glancing in the direction she had gone and wasn't paying attention to Mike at all. His whole body was tense until she returned.

To me that screams possessive, possessive in a bad way. Who wants a girlfriend or boyfriend who follows you everywhere? What's that? Oh right, no one. The only reason someone should act that way around anyone else is if there is a murderer after them. Then you can worry, until then it's just creepy. I'm still not sure that Brooke even realized how possessive he was, maybe she was in denial, or maybe she didn't want ruin her "perfect" relationship. I love Brooke but sometimes she is so caught up in how people see her and that includes her boyfriends, that she misses out on all the good people and ends up dating all the wrong ones. Harrison was one of the better ones, but even he wasn't perfect. He was still chasing after Brooke the girl from middle school, which didn't fully exist anymore.

I wanted so badly to confront her that night about how controlling he was, but I couldn't get her away from him long enough. I wasn't the only one who noticed his behavior, Mike and my mother did also, but they fared the same with trying to confront the situation. I took me a month to figure out a way to talk to her about it. I tried to get her to meet me for coffee in between classes or going out some nights, but she either cancelled because she had plans with Carter or she would show up with Carter. Finally I found the perfect time. Sadly it was a year later and at the beginning of Spring semester of sophomore year. There was about an hour in which Brooke was in their apartment alone while Carter was out doing a research project.

I didn't warn her I was coming, because I knew that Carter would find out and try to make it so he was there. I knew he didn't like me and I'm pretty sure I heard him whisper to her that he thought I was a horrible influence. That was the last night I spoke to her and that was 6 months ago. Here she was talking about her summer and smiling away and all I could think about was our last interaction, which was something that kept the smile on my face fake.

_I got to the apartment and was walking up to the door wondering what I was going to say to her to let me in when I saw her elderly neighbor Ms. Kramer struggling with her groceries and opening the door. I quickly moved to help her before she dropped a bag. _

"_Oh thank you!" Ms. Kramer spoke when she saw my hands grab the bag. She final looked at me. "Oh hi, Samantha!" _

"_Hello, Ms Kramer. Let me help you." I grabbed the other bag from her grasp. "Lead the way."_

"_Thank you so much dear," We walked to her first floor apartment. "These days my arthritis is acting up and I can't hardly grip anything right." She then opened the door and ushered me in. "Just set it on the counter."_

"_Do you need me to help with anything else?" I asked kindly even thought I hoped the answer would be no. I really needed to talk to Brooke before Carter got home._

"_Oh no, thank you so much. Tell Brooke I say high." Ms. Kramer stood by the door as I walked out into the hall._

"_Will do. Have a good day." I head for the stairs. Brooke's apartment was just up a floor._

_As I ascended the stairs I was trying to figure out how to bring up the subject knowing that it would probably turning into a yelling match. I stood in front of the door readying to knock. "To hell with it" I wasn't about to beat around the bush._

_I knocked on the door and waited. A voice answered from the other side as they drew nearer._

"_Honey did you lock yourself out again. You should really keep you keys ne…"Brooke stopped talking once she saw that it was me at the door. "Hi Sam," her face was perplexed. "I sorry did I forget plans?" Brooke frowned as she tried to remember if we had plans to me up. _

"_No, no we didn't have plans. I just needed to talk with you about something important." Brooke didn't seem as if she was going to let me in. "Um, can I come in and talk?"_

_Brooke quickly moved to the side. "Yes, sorry of course you can come in." I walked past her into her small living space. "Can I get you something to drink? I was just about to get a glass of water before you knocked."_

"_No I'm fine." I paced the room as she got herself a glass of water. A minute later she entered the living room with her glass and sat in an arm chair where it looked as if she had just been studying in previously, because there was a book open and balancing on the arm of the chair with a highlighter. I kept pacing and glancing at the pictures set around the room. She took a sip of her water before setting it down and breaking the silence and causing a pause in my stride._

"_Sam what's wrong." Brooke sounded concerned._

_I looked at her. __**Speak Sam. Tell her.**__ My mouth wouldn't open._

_Brooke stood up and slowly approached me. "Sam you are scaring me, what's wrong?"_

_I put my hand up singling her to stop. "It is nothing to be scared about, please sit." She hesitated before lowering herself back into the arm chair. I started to pace again._

"_You are going to wear a hole in the floor with all that pacing. Please sit." I could tell Brooke was attempting at getting me to calm down. I didn't stop until she said please again. I sat down but started to fidget with the pillow fringe. _

_I could feel Brooke staring at the side of my head, patiently waiting for me to start. I took a deep breath to calm down. This was already not going the way I hoped. I was afraid that she would shut me out for what I was about to say. _

"_I….Okay, please don't interrupt me and let me say what I need to say, then you can yell at me at kick me out but please wait till you hear me out." I looked at her waiting for her to agree._

_She shook her head in agreement but her eyes were skeptical unsure where this was going._

"_Okay." I took another deep breath. "I understand that Carter is your boyfriend and as family I should be in support of your relationships and I know that a lot of our drama had to do with who we were dating, but I do not support your relationship with Carter." I saw that she was about to speak and I could see some angry in her eyes. "Please let me finish. This is nothing to do with jealousy, this has to do with his controlling behavior over you. He is always with you the reason I didn't tell you I was showing up today was because if I did Carter would either be here or convince you to meet up with him so that you would have to cancel plans with me. You can't deny that. It happens anytime we try to get together. Mike and Jane, even though they haven't said anything to you, agreed with me on this. We don't think your relationship is good for you. You are a strong women who doesn't need a man to define her or completely control everything she says or does. I don't expect you to agree with me right now or maybe ever, but I just want you to take notice and maybe you'll see what we have seen." I paused. "Even though I don't like Carter, it doesn't mean that I won't stop being there for you, but if you choose to get married to him in the future I will not be part of it. You deserve better, Brooke. I hope someday soon you will realize this." Brooke looked like she wanted to tear my head off._

"_Okay you can yell at me as I leave your apartment." I stood up._

"_I can't believe you Sam! Carter loves me he is not controlling." I stood still waiting for her to physically force me from the apartment. "Is it so hard to believe that we love spending so much time together? Oh I forgot, you haven't had a relationship since high school and that one didn't end well did it? Why the hell should I ever take relationship advice from someone who doesn't do relationships!" Brooke was on a roll now. I knew it would be useless to stop her, so I let her rip me to shreds. I just hoped this was because she knew I was right and she felt as if she needed to defend her choices. "You definitely aren't uptight enough not to be getting some. So are you more of the one night stand kind of girl. Fuck'em and Leave'em type? I bet you are, seeing that you haven't ever mentioned seeing anyone." __**Okay that hurt. Did she really believe that about me?**__ I could feel tears forming in my eyes. __**Don't you dare cry. **_

_Brooke had stopped talking but was still fuming. I could tell she had more to say but before she could I turned away from her and headed for the door. Before I walked out I spoke still facing the door with my hand on the doorknob. I was hurt and I should have just left but I let my feelings towards her hurtful words show. _

"_Not that my relationship advise matters to you, but I do care about your happiness Brooke and I believe that you could be happier with someone else. But what do I know, I'm just someone who 'fuck's them and leaves them', right?" I then left the apartment.__** That definitely was not how I wanted to leave it. **__I wish it would have ended with her telling me to leave._

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**A/N 4: Reviews feed my muse and give me motivation to write quicker, when the time permits.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N 1: Well I pushed this out quicker than I anticipated, but I've had the free time. I attempted to proofread but I'm exhausted and everything is muddled to me. So all errors are mine. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters.**

**Enjoy!**

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As she continued to talk about her job and school classes she was taking this fall she looked finally free. She broke up with Carter only a month ago and I found out about it from my mother over one of our weekly calls. I was happy for her but my life during the months after that confrontation spiraled down into a mess. After I left her apartment that afternoon I headed to the bar.

_I set yet another empty shot glass down on the counter. I still could hear her words echo in my head. She was right what do I know about relationships. I'm just a girl pinning over another girl who has no interest in me as any more than a friend. Who am I kidding she will no longer even be a friend._

_ I signaled to the bartender that I wanted another. The shot was set in front of me in a matter of seconds and it was down my throat in a just a few more. The now empty glass joined the 4 others. The aftertaste of tequila clung to the back of my throat as a reminder that I was not drunk enough yet, because I could still taste the alcohol. My fingers traced through the spilled streaks of Tequila, painting transparent figures across the wood top of the bar._

_ "Starting a little early are we." A voice broke through my self-deprecation. My hand stilled its movements and I glanced up in the direction of the voice._

_ The voice belonged to a blonde. I noticed a resemblance with Brooke, but there is no one that could come close to being Brooke. She looked at me waiting for me to respond._

_ "Oh, well I've had a shitty afternoon." I was about to signal for the bartender when her hand stopped mine._

_ "This one's on me," She called the bartender over. "Two more of what she's been drinking."_

_ The bartender poured two more shots and set them in front of us. She raised her shot glass._

_ "To shitty afternoons and good drinking partners." _

_ I raised my shot glass in acknowledgment and we both down them in sync. The tequila burned the back of my throat but this time it was less burn and the taste was not there like the times before. I was finally hitting that point were the drinks were finally starting to take effect. We had a few more drinks and chatting, but I was too far gone to really remember. _

_ Bright is all saw when I opened my eyes. I quickly closed them. My head felt as if someone had used it as a drum set sometime during my sleep. After a minute I slowly opened up one eye after that eye adjusted I opened the other. I looked over at the nightstand were my alarm sat but there wasn't an alarm there but a lamp, not my lamp. I quickly jerked up, which was a mistake because it made me feel nauseous. The sheet I was wrapped up in also fell down. "What the hell?" Looking down I realized I was completely naked and moved to cover myself again. There was a shift next to me in the bed and became aware that I wasn't alone. The form next to me groaned but didn't wake up, thank god. I couldn't see them for they were completely covered but that didn't matter to me at the moment. Finding my clothes and getting the hell out of here were my top priorities._

_ I slipped from the covers reluctantly and the cold air hit my body. I quickly found my panties and bra next to the bed and slipped them on. I looked all around the room for my other clothes, not finding them I peeked out into the hall. I took one step into the hallway, hoping that there wouldn't be any awkward roommate interactions; that is if there were any roommates. _

_ "Aha, found my pants," I whispered to myself. I slipped into them checking the pockets for my cell phone, id, and cards. __**Didn't lose anything so far, now to find my shirt and shoes.**_

_ The hallway opened into a living room and kitchen area. My shirt was slung over the back of the couch and I quickly grabbed it and pulled it over my head. My shoes, both of them, located right by the door, made my escape quite easy. I only hesitated when a picture on the wall caught my eye. _

_ "Fuck," the picture was of the girl who I met at the bar, with what I assumed was her parents and siblings. I slipped my shoes on and left quickly._

_ I made it out of the building without seeing anyone and was relieved. I've never been in that situation before. As that thought crossed my mind so did Brookes comment from yesterday. "Fuck them and Leave them" It was exact what I just did. This wasn't supposed to be me, but going back inside was definitely not an option. I had no intention of seeing her again and she probably felt the same way for all I knew. Remembering that I left my car at the bar and had no idea where I was, I looked around at my surroundings hoping that some landmark would be recognizable to me. Not recognizing anything I started to walk down the street towards a small convenience store on the corner._

That wasn't my first time with a girl, because I remember my first time and it was something I wish I didn't remember, but that is a whole other story. This event was the turning point in my life and for that I'm sure my liver hates me. I turned into a drunk one night stand person. Not sure if my mom, Mike or Brooke have noticed that I'm on my third glass of wine, but yet again they are so consumed by Brooke's life story that I would be shocked if they would notice if I left the table. I finished off my glass then stood up and started to clean the table.

That got their attention, but I gestured to them that I was fine. I continued to clear the table when that was finished I started to put away the leftovers. During this time I poured myself another glass of wine with what was left in the bottle. I knew it was only a manner of time before I would have to participate in some conversation with them, or more so a conversation with Brooke.

"Sam, leave the dishes. I can clean them later, we haven't heard enough about what's been going on with you." My mom called to me.

_**Oh hey everyone, guess what I'm gay. Oh but don't worry about me bringing anyone home I don't do relationships because the only person I want is unattainable, so I just sleep around. More wine. Oh I forgot there is no more wine because I drank it all, I might also be an alcoholic. Surprise.**_ I sat back down in my seat that I had vacated earlier. I picked up my untouched glass of water in attempt to rehydrate myself.

"So Sammy dating anyone?" My mother's so innocent question caused me to choke on my water. "Oh my god, Sam! Are you alright?"My mom patted my back as I coughed my passage way clear.

I glanced up and saw Brooke looking at me questionably, she seemed the only who noticed that the choke was no accident. I could tell she wanted to say something but held it back. Probably because she remembered the last time she spoke to me directly. Her face contorted into a grimace. _**Yep, she remembered.**_

My mom was still asking if I was fine, realizing I haven't answered, I spoke. "I'm fine. Just too much water too fast."

"Oh okay, where were we? Oh yes, are you dating anyone Samantha?" My mom smiled. I could tell she wanted me to say yes.

"Nope, I'm not seeing anyone." I looked down at my hands after seeing my mom's smile falter.

"Well, you'll find someone. Just keep your eyes open. He could be in one of your classes." That was my mom's attempt at cheering me up. She had no idea how wrong she was. I know I should tell her I'm gay but I would rather tell her alone then here at the dinner table which was already chokingly awkward.

"What is your semester looking like?" Mike spoke up attempting to change the subject.

"I'm taking all journalism classes and I'm also continuing my internship."

"Sounds like a pretty laid back semester." Mike stated. "That should be nice, considering that you were extremely busy this last semester."

I was busy because I was taking 18 credits, an internship that was around 24 hours a week and a job that was 30 hours. I didn't tell them about the job because they wanted me to concentrate on schooling and told me that they would help support my years at university. They were okay with the internship because it was to help my career, but if they knew I had another job on top of it all they would be upset with me.

In truth the only reason I took the job was to keep myself busy. Granted it's at a local bar. I bartend at a bar 20 miles from campus were Brooke or anyone who knows either of us would not see me. Bartending may not be the best job for someone like me and I don't drink until my shift is over anyway and since my shift is over by 11 pm I have plenty of time to enjoy my night.

"Yep laid back," I responded with a tight smile. "Um, mom. Do you think we could talk for a bit?"

"Sure, honey. Let's go into the living room. Mike, do you think you and Brooke can start on the dishes we will be back in a few." My mother stood up from her seat and headed for the living room.

I followed her into the room. She took a seat on the couch but I decided to stay standing in front of her. She looked up at me with a questioning expression.

"Samantha, what's wrong?" I started to pace in front of her. "Sammy, your making me nervous, can you please sit down."

I stop my pacing and glanced up at her and then quickly down at my hands. "Please don't hate me." I whispered not meeting her eyes.

"Sam. Samantha, look at me." I slowly lifted my gaze to look at her. "Okay, now sit down." I hesitated, but finally took a seat next to her. She grabbed my hand. "Sam, are you pregnant?"

"What?! No!" I was shocked by her assumption, especially after I told her I wasn't seeing anyone. "I'm not pregnant"

The expression on my mom's face was that of relief. "Oh, well why do you think I would hate you? Oh and if you were to tell me you were pregnant I wouldn't hate you, you are an adult now."

"Okay, good to know but you won't have to worry about me getting pregnant."

She was waiting patiently for me to say something.

"Mom, I don't have any boyfriends, not because I'm not looking, but because I gay." I quickly spoke.

She just sat there with no change in her demeanor, so I had no idea what she was thinking. What seemed like minutes were just a few seconds before she spoke.

"Oh Sammy," there were tears in her eyes. "I don't hate you. Thank you for telling me and I'm sorry about my pushiness at the dinner table. I love you and that won't change because you are gay." She then gave me a big hug. I couldn't help but smile and be relieved. She pulled back and looked at me. "In all honesty, I kind of figured you may have been but I wasn't going to say something that I wasn't completely sure of."

"How? What made you think that?" I was curious as to what she noticed.

"Well honey," my mom looked as if she wasn't sure if she should tell me. "This may seem silly, but I always thought that maybe that you've had a crush on Brooke and that is why you were having a hard time with Mike and I getting together."

Saying that I'm shocked would be an understatement. Apparently my mom could read me like a fucking book. Realizing that that my mouth was hanging open and that I hadn't denied her explanation, I tried to respond and deny.

"Really?" That was all I could think of as a response. I gave a nervous laugh trying to figure out what to say. I took too long and my mom gasped.

"Oh Sammy?" Like I said, read me like a fucking book.

"Mom, please don't say anything. I'm already mortified that you figured it out. It is something I have to live with." Realizing my slip up I tried to cover it. "Had, I meant had."

My mom didn't buy it and she pulled me into a hug. "Sam I'm sorry that you've had to keep this too yourself for this long and I understand you don't want to talk about it, but I'm here if you do." We pulled apart and I could feel tears trying to make their way free, but I held them in.

"I pretty sure she hates me, I over stepped my bounds and interfered in her relationship. The last time we talked it was on very bad terms and hurtful words were said." Some of the tears betrayed me and escaped.

"Oh honey!" My mom also had some tears in her eyes. "I'm sure she doesn't hate you, plus she did break up with Carter last month. So whatever you said about the relationship, which I'm sure was true." Her eyes became angry thinking about Carter, for her and Mike didn't like him either, "shouldn't be as much of an issue between you two. She was in denial then and you both are always prone to arguments."

"Maybe" I still wasn't so sure.

"So I'm guessing I'm the only one you have told about being gay?"

"Yep, you are the only person I've told officially" I know this was her way of asking if Brooke or Mike knew or if it was okay if they found out about it, "and I'm not ready to tell anyone else just yet."

"Okay, but keep in mind that Mike and Brooke won't see you any differently than they do now." She patted me on the leg.

"Yeah, well that is only if they don't find out about my crush." I half smiled, because that thought terrified me. My mom may be okay with the knowledge but the object of my affection and her father may not be so okay with it.

My mom returned the small smile, realizing that I had a point, but wasn't going to agree or disagree. "I bet they've already finished the dishes. Why don't you go fix your eye make-up? It's a bit smudged. I'm going to go check on them."

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**A/N 2: Please review. Let me know your thoughts, they are very much appreciated. :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N 1: Yay! New Chapter! That being said, my week already sucks ass and I'm looking forward to free beer Friday and this weekend. I hope to get another chapter up this weekend but like I said this week sucks, so I'll try my hardest.**

**All errors are mine and I'm sure there are many, because every time I feel like writing is when I'm sleep deprived.**

**Disclamer: I do not own the characters. :(**

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I looked at my refection in the mirror; my eye make-up was all smudged and had run a little. I figured that there would be make-up remover somewhere in the bathroom so I went searching for it. I found some make-up remover pads in one of Brooke's designated drawers. Most of the things in this bathroom were forgotten once we moved out, so Brooke wouldn't notice if things were missing. I leaned towards the mirror and cleaned my eyes. Once they were clean enough I stepped back from the mirror and looked at my face again fully.

I looked exhausted. It was amazing what make-up can hide or distract from. The dark circles were definitely more pronounced. I realized then I should have brought my make-up with me, because most of the stuff in this bathroom would be minimal and mostly Brookes. I did find an eyeliner pencil in one of my drawers and decided it was better than nothing.

I left the bathroom and went to my old room. Nothing had changed. I'm pretty sure this was my mom's way of saying that we are more than welcome to say at any time. I closed my door and went over to my desk. I opened the middle drawer and reached underneath it. It was still there. I pulled the journal from its hiding place. It was the last journal I kept, it was during senior year. I opened it up to the front entry.

_**I'm so confused. Nothing makes sense anymore. I really thought that I wanted Harrison, but now I don't think that is true. My mind is a spinning right know, I'm unsure if what I'm feeling is really. If what I'm feeling is really then I have feelings for Brooke. This is so wrong; we are supposed to hate each other. Okay, I don't think I've ever really hated her or even had extreme dislike for her, but it would be so much easier to deal with hate and dislike than what I'm feeling now. I wish I could talk about this with someone, but who? **_

_** People say they understand, but do they really? My Lily and Carmen would think I've lost it, plus Carmen can't keep a secret to save her life and Harrison would find out. Harrison wouldn't understand or he would be threatened by me, as if. Brooke is little Miss. Perfect who knows what she wants in life and doesn't have time to question things. Plus if my mom or Mike found out, oh god, I don't want to know what would happen. This whole thing sucks, maybe it's some misplaced emotions, they don't mean anything. I want Brooke to be happy and she is going to be happy with Harrison.**_

I willed myself not to cry again and smudge my make-up again. If only then I knew that talking to my mom would have worked out, things would have not been so hard. I flipped through and stopped on a random entry.

_** Well, I guess it's not misplaced emotions. Almost every night Brooke is in my dreams. I really need to find away to stop having these dreams, because every morning when I see her. I freak out like she might read it in my face that she knows that I dream about her. I feel as if I turned into a hormonal teenage boy, who can hardly control himself around pretty girls, except for the fact that I'm 18, a girl and its only one girl I have this problem with. I'm so paranoid that she will find out and we end up fighting more. I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm psychotic, because I blow up every time we start to get along. **_

_** Maybe, I just need get out and date.**_

The next entry was in reference to such dating antics.

_**So, I'm gay no doubt about that. My first time with a girl was definitely nothing spectacular but at least I know what I'm attracted to. Tonight was awkward and went horribly, if I could do it over I would. Yet I'm sure most people feel that way, but then again it would probably never be good enough. The only way it would be perfect is if I was with the one person I want, but that is something that will never be attainable.**_

I stopped reading the entries, realizing that even now my true feelings haven't diminished even the slightest and that what I wanted more than anything was still unattainable. I put the journal back in its resting place securely and closed the drawer.

The ringer on my phone went off and I pulled it out of the front pocket of my jeans. The caller ID read: ASSHOLE. I groaned and hit the ignore button. That was the last thing I wanted to deal with. He had been calling me every day for the last month. He even found where I worked one night and harass me until the owner threw his ass to the curb. Who was this asshole, it would be Carter of course. He blamed me for Brooke breaking up with him and he had definitely become unhinged, since the break up. He mainly harasses me with phone calls but that one night he approached me after work.

_I stayed until bar close, but this time I didn't pick up anyone. Having Carter harass me earlier in the night really brought down my mood. I drank more than my average night and while I was heading for the door the owner stopped me. _

_ "Sam, do you want a ride home?" I could tell that he was worried about the guy who was here during my shift._

_ "No, I need to sober up and fresh air helps, I'm going to go walk to the diner for some food and then call a cab" I responded._

_ "Well, how about I walk with you then?" He wasn't giving up._

_ "Greg, don't be ridiculous. The diner is only two blocks away and Carter is all talk. Don't worry." I opened the door. "Have a good night." I stepped out onto the sidewalk and breathed in a deep breath of fresh air. I walked the two blocks to the diner and sat in my regular booth. _

_ "Hi Darling, the usual?" Mary the night waitress, walked up from behind the counter._

_ I just nodded my head. Mary walked away. She came back later with a bowl of apple cinnamon oatmeal, a side of bacon, and a cup of coffee. I ate the meal quickly and as I drank the coffee I call the cab company. They arrived just as I set my money on the counter. I quickly made it out to the cab and got into the back. I told him my apartment address then closed my eyes. The next thing I knew I the cabby was yelling to me the cost of the trip. I pulled out some cash and handed it over._

_ "Keep the change" I could hear him thank me as I closed the door. He sped off and I approached my door. I had sobered up quite a bit and typed the code into the door. The door buzzed up and I pushed my way in. I dragged my way up three flights of stairs and by the time I reached my floor I all I wanted to do was sleep. I slid the key in the lock and turned the knob, before I could push open up the door something behind me pushed me. I was already unsteady so when I was pushed from behind I fell into the apartment landing hard on my hands and knees. _

_ I put one hand on the wall to steady myself as I got to my feet. As I was pulled myself up the door behind me clicked shut. I leaned against the wall not daring to turn around. The intruder had said a word yet and my heart was beating quickly and it seemed so loud I was sure it was echoing in the room. I couldn't take the silence any longer._

_ "I'm a college student all I have is in my purse, take it and leave I haven't seen your face." I held my purse out to my side. "Take it and leave, please."_

_ There was no movement to take the purse. I started to shake hoping he didn't want something else. I started to have a panic attack. "Please, just take it" I pleaded._

_ "I don't want you purse you fucking bitch"_

_ The voice was familiar and I slowly found myself turning towards it. That is when a hand grabbed my throat and pushed my back against the wall. The air was forced out of my lungs and with the hand around my neck I was unable to replenish the air that was lost. I looked into the angry eyes of my attacker. It was Carter._

_ "What I want is Brooke back." His face was mere inches from mine. His breath reeked of whiskey. "You are going to convince her to come back to me." His grip was not relaxing the slightest._

_ I started to see black spots in my eyes from lack of oxygen. My body started to sag when he realized this he let me go. My legs gave way and I sank to the floor gasping for air. Too much air all at once caused me to have a coughing attack. He lifted me up from my armpits then slammed me into the wall again._

_ "Do you understand me?" His hands pinned my body against the wall._

_ "I understand, but it's not going to happen. She hasn't talked to me in months and even if she did I wouldn't convince her to get back with your crazy ass." I smirked at him. I knew I was egging him on but the booze still in my system was causing the filter, linking my brain and mouth, to malfunction. One of his hands that were supporting my body moved back hand me across the face. _

_ "You selfish little bitch," He yelled and slammed me into the wall a few more times. _

_ A knock on the door interrupted Carter from continuing. _

_ "Are you okay in there, if you don't answer the door I will call the police." It was the voice of my 40 year old next door neighbor._

_ I could see that spooked Carter. I smiled happy that my neighbor chose not to ignore the loud noises and came to check on me. He saw the smile and anger replaced his frozen state. He fully let go of me and back-handed me so hard that the force from the hit propelled me sideways. I tripped over his foot and started to fall. The side of my head came in contact with the edge of the hall table. There was a burst of bright light and the sound of retreating footsteps, before everything went dark and silent._

_ When I became conscious again it was with my 40 year old neighbor Keith crouching over me with a phone to his ear._

_ "There is a lot of blood." He noticed I woke up. "She just regained consciousness. What should I do while we wait for paramedics?" I could make out a faint voice on the other line. "Okay, will do" He then hung up the phone._

_ My head was swimming and my face was uncomfortably wet. I attempted to move, but Keith placed his hands on me to stop me._

_ "Don't move. They told me you need to stay still. We can't be sure if you injured your neck."_

_**Well shit! So much for "Carter's all talk". **_ _**Next time I'll take Greg up on his offer.**_

My hand unconsciously touched the scar that was under my hair on the side of my head. No one knew that I had gone to the hospital. I told the police that it was a robbery gone wrong and that it was too dark to get a good look at his face. Keith didn't get a good look either, because Carter had his hood up and pushed him when he took a quick exit. I probably should have turned Carter in, but was more scared of what he would do to Brooke. Carter's father just happened to be one of the best criminal lawyers out there, meaning Carter would probably get off with probation because of emotional stress and it being his first assault.

I had been styling my hair so that the area where they had to shave some of my hair for the stitches, wasn't noticeable. It dawned on me why Carter had called me a few times tonight, it was because he was aware that both Brooke and I were both here. Of course he would know because he had turned into a stocker. I was probably making him furious for not answering and now I was concerned at what would happen once Brooke left the house for the night. He might attempt approaching her and if she dismissed him, I was sure that his outburst at my apartment was only just the preview to what he was capable of.

My thoughts were interrupted by a knock on my door. I quickly pulled my hand away from my scar and stood up from my desk. I approached my door and opened slowly, thinking that my mom had come to see what was taking me so long. To my surprise it was not my mom, but Brooke. Brooke pushed her hair behind her one ear and shifted her weight a little. I saw the look in her eyes and realized that she was about to break our silent treatment. What I was unsure of was, if she was going to apologize or if she was looking for an apology from me. If she was hoping for an apology, she came knocking on the wrong door.

* * *

**A/N 2: Please leave a review. They keep me motivated to continue writing. This story will probably not be too long for I don't want to drag it out, but we'll see what happens.**


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